From the time I was a little girl, I heard whispers about my nose being too big—from my mom, from my boyfriend in junior high, and even from friends. 

These messages seep into your subconscious like an ever-present haze, keeping you from fully recognizing who you really are, or how you might actually be seen by others. 

Fast forward 20 years, hiding this secret discontent all along, and you have me today. I’ve thought about getting a nose job a million times—even used an app to see how I might look with one. But after I shaved and sculpted my nose down, i never looked like me. 

And then today, I was talking to a colleague and friend, and she said “why would you do that?” She was genuinely surprised.  I explained all the history that went along with this decision. She looked at me, unflinchingly, and said, “but then you wouldn’t be you. If you got a nose job, the rest of your face wouldn’t look right, and you would have to start rearranging everything.” I started to defend my choice, but she continued: “Leila, there is something about the gestalt of you that would be interrupted if you start changing your features. You aren’t an LA girl with a button nose. You’re unique. Your that blue velvet couch you love, not the leather one everyone has. And if you change your nose, you won’t be happy.” 

And just like that, I walked down the hall, caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and the spell was broken. For a brief moment, I could see what she saw, and I was content.